Merpeople's Blog

Posted by The Merbachelorette
April 29, 2008

I guess I ought to finally comment on the new "Little Mermaid" show on Broadway. You probably expect me to be grateful that Disney is giving mainstream attention to the merpeople's plight. Sorry, no. I've got some issues.

First off, the whole story is based on that idea that this Ariel girl falls in love with Prince Eric, a human, and decides that she wants to live on the land. I don't even know where to begin here. Let's start with the fin/leg deal. I'm supposed to believe that she wakes up one day and says, "This sleek, sexy, powerful fin is great, but you know what would be even better? Two flimsy sticks. I've had enough of this graceful swimming, so just plug two sticks into my waist and I'll waddle around like an idiot." Riiiight. All for love.

Speaking of love, I know what it's like to be desperate – that's pretty well documented at this point – but that doesn't mean I would consider dating a topsider. Just the thought of pressing up against him, all dry and un-scaly...eww.

Face it people, there's some definite wish-fulfillment going on here. When I was on the beach for my video, the film crew could barely keep the guys off me. Seems like you topsiders, in particular the writers of "A Little Mermaid," have a real thing for merpeople. Hey, I don't blame you. We're pretty hot. But the sentiment isn't mutual.

Then let's look at Ariel's friend Flounder. What a lovable little guy. Peppy, cute, fun! Strange, every flounder I've ever hung out with was a flat, anti-social, lump that lies on the floor all day. It's almost like Disney did absolutely no research whatsoever!

OK, I shouldn't be so harsh. Negativity causes aging. It's just a little tough to watch humans sing about how awesome it is "under the sea," while in the meantime, a lot of things down here are getting less awesome every day. But you can help out.

BTW, if you happen to have King Triton's phone number, pass it along. That dude is ripped.